


The Road Back Home.

by Aldyce



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Forgiveness, Happy Ending, I promise, Lots of Angst, M/M, Magnus erases his memories Alec, Malec breakup 3x18, post breakup, semi canon compliant, shirtless alec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-17 22:53:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21851002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aldyce/pseuds/Aldyce
Summary: The air was cold, the wind harsh against his face. He was standing alone on a roof, the city below him was familiar but he couldn’t figure out how he had gotten here. A tear ran down his face, reaching up to wipe it away he realised his cheeks were wet, as was the collar of his shirt. He had obviously been crying for a while, if only he knew why.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 10
Kudos: 118





	The Road Back Home.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks @AtowncaledMalec for giving me this idea, it may have taken me a couple months to actually write but I hope you like what I did with it.

The air was cold, the wind harsh against his face. He was standing alone on a roof, the city below him was familiar but he couldn’t figure out how he had gotten here. A tear ran down his face, reaching up to wipe it away he realised his cheeks were wet, as was the collar of his shirt. He had obviously been crying for a while, if only he knew why.   
Pushing away the feeling of immense loss that was starting to make it hard to breathe, he looked around, quickly locating a door left half open. He went down a series of stairs and corridors, knowing the way as if on instinct until he arrived at his loft. Despite the holes in his memory, he recognized the building; the stuff he had accumulated over the years. He recognized it all but somehow it felt wrong, as if something was off. He also felt drained, as if he had used up a lot of his magic, so he decided he needed to sleep. Hopefully, this would all make more sense in the morning.  
The next morning, he did indeed feel better. His magic was back to it’s usual hum under his skin, reassuring him that despite the strange events of the past day, all seemed back to normal now. He opened up his calendar to see what he had planned for the day and week to come. It all seemed pretty usual; a couple of clients, dinner with Catarina and at the end of the week, a meeting with the head of the New York Institute.  
“Urg, great. Shadowhunters.” Magnus may have been civil with the nephilim, but he always avoided them when possible. Arrogant bastards. The thought had come naturally ,but still, something about it didn’t feel right. Adding to the troublesome train of thought, listing the shit he didn’t have the time to think about, Magnus put the book down and made his way to the bathroom to prepare for the day ahead of him.

***

“Jace, please. I need you to do for me. Just this once. I can’t face him. I can’t see the hatred in his eyes. Please.” Alec kept his eyes fixed on his desk, his parabatai hesitant before him. It had been four days since he had broken Magnus’ heart and he hadn’t seen the warlock since. But tonight, Magnus was expected for an official meeting with the head of the institute. Him. And he just couldn’t do it.  
He had made his peace with his decision, Magnus had miserable without his magic and this way, he could heal and one day he would move on. But for Alec, that wasn’t an option, and that was okay. It had been his choice, and he didn’t regret it, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. And if he had to face the love of his life tonight, the man he had hoped to make his husband, Alec knew he would break down and beg Magnus for his forgiveness.  
“I don’t like this, Alec. I wish you would tell me what happened between the two of you, but I know you won’t and because you are my brother and I love you, I will go to the meeting instead of you. But you have to promise me that you will talk to him at some point.”   
“Thank you, Jace.” Leaving Jace in his office, Alec walked out of the door, he knew he could never make that promise to Jace, and he also knew that it was absurd to think that he could avoid Magnus forever, but at least if he could put it off a little, it would hurt less when they finally did come face to face. 

Magnus portalled in right in front of the institute. He was surprised at their lack of security and he had been expecting some kind of warning from portalling directly onto Clave territory. Surprised and a little disappointed at the anticlimactic entrance, he made his way into the building and towards where he knew the head’s office to be. Once again, no one stopped him or asked him what his business was, instead, barely looking up from their screens as he walked past them before turning their focus back to whatever they were doing.   
He walked into the office without knocking, hoping to catch whatever washed up pencil pusher was now running this Institute. He was surprised to find a young blonde man sitting behind the heavy mahogany desk. He was without a doubt handsome, but his blonde hair and a square face weren’t really Magnus’ preferred style. He preferred his men a bit more mysterious and a lot less cocky.   
“Magnus, thank you for coming. I know things are a little weird.”   
“Let's get to business, shall we? I am a busy man. Now what is it you need.” Magnus could see the shocked look on the boy's face, he couldn’t bring himself to call him a man when he looked like he was barely twenty years old. But he didn’t really care if he was being rude, he didn’t appreciate the informal tone with which the shadowhunter had addressed him. He wanted to get the job done as soon as he could so he could get home and have a drink.   
“Oh, uhh, yeah, of course. We need you to reinforce the wards around the Institute. please.” Magnus considered refraining his eye roll but the shadowhunter’s fightey attitude was getting on his nerves.  
“Fine. I expect payment in full for the job before the end of the day.” He was making his way out of the plainly decorated room before he finished talking. He didn’t need to be inside the building to reinforce the wards and he didn’t intend to stay a second longer than he needed to.  
“Of course.” Magnus thought that was all the shadowhunter was going to say but just before he could step out the door, the young man surprised him by speaking up again. “Oh and Magnus… I’m sorry.”   
If this whole meeting had been far from what Magnus had expected, he had no idea how to react to the shadowhunters’ comment, so he just nodded before quickly leaving the building. As he had expected, the job only took a second and then he was home, a heavy drink in his hand. Just what he needed to ease his troubled mind. 

Alec watched on the monitors as Magnus left his office. As he checked on the wards and portalled away, presumably home to his loft. He looked good. A little stiff but otherwise fine. While Alec was glad that the other man seemed to be doing alright, it had only been a couple of days since they had broken up. Alec himself was a mess, and everyone around him had noticed that he was coming apart at the seams, and yet Magnus was put together perfectly; not a hair out of place, and a perfect air of indifference on his face.   
A couple of shadowhunters jumped as he slammed his fist into the nearest wall, but they quickly looked away and continued their work as he glared at anyone stupid enough to meet his eye. Reassured that he hadn’t done any real damage to the wall, he made his way to meet up with Jace and see how the short meeting had gone.   
Jace was sitting on his desk when he came in, jumping down when he saw his brother, and boss, in the doorway.  
“How did it go?” Alec tried to keep his voice neutral, professional, but he knew from the worried look Jace was giving him that he hadn’t fooled his parabatai.   
“Fine, I guess. He didn’t talk much and I could tell he didn’t want to be here longer than he had to, which I guess makes sense, but I don’t know. Something just seemed… off. I was expecting him to be angry, to talk about you or not come at all…”   
“He didn’t mention me at all? Ask why you were doing the meeting?” He knew he didn’t want to hear the answer, but Alec couldn’t help himself. He had to know.  
“Sorry, mate. He just didn’t.”  
“Okay, Jace. Thanks for taking the meeting. You can go now. I have work to get to.” Jace patted his shoulder as he made his way to the door, and Alec forced himself to smile back, but he just wanted to be alone. He should have been strong enough to go to the meeting and face Magnus. After all, he had been the one who had ended the relationship. He was the one to blame, but yet, he was a coward.  
And he always would be.

No one brought up Magnus or the breakup during the following week, but Alec noticed as both the whispers became louder, and when the worried looks on his siblings’ faces had set up permanent residence. The truth was that Alec was slipping. Walking away from Magnus had ripped open a hole in his heart and now that hole was growing, slowly pulling all of him down into it. He couldn’t move on, find someone else.  
Magnus had been it.  
The love of his life.  
The most beautiful man he had set eyes on, and now, he had lost him forever.  
Izzy and Jace did their best to keep him distracted, but they still had no idea what had happened between the two or why Alec had broken up with the man he had been planning to propose to only the previous day.   
This lasted about a week, until Isabelle decided she had to step in. It didn't take long for her to find Alec, as he barely left his office these days.  
Alec hardly looked up from the pile of papers on his desk when Izzy walked into the room. He just wanted to get this paper work done so he could go to his room and not have to deal with the stares and not so quiet whispers about how he was losing it.  
“Hey, Brother. What are you doing?” 

Alec stared at the door Isabelle had closed long after she had left. He knew she had a point, he was going to destroy himself if he continued down this path, but going to see Magnus as she had suggested..? Surely it would only make it worse; for the both of them. He could apologise, but he could never explain and Magnus could never forgive him. It would cut his heart into more shreds, leaving him an empty shell. But still, he couldn’t ignore the tiny voice in his head that said, maybe it would be worth it, just to see Magnus one more time. That last memory, Magnus’ face as he had turned his back and walked away, it haunted him, kept him from sleeping, from breathing properly. No matter the pain, it couldn’t be as bad as what he was feeling now…

By the time he arrived in front of loft that he had begun to think of as home, his resolve was failing, but still, the memory of Magnus and the pain and betrayal in his eyes, ripped through his chest, stealing his breath and forcing him to raise his fist on knock twice on the heavy wooden door. He could hear movement inside and before he could leave, the door was pulled open.  
Alec found himself staring into the most beautiful pair of golden brown eyes he had ever seen. 

***

Magnus put down his drink as he heard someone knock at the door. He wasn’t expecting anyone at this time of night, and his wards hadn’t gone off which was a little worrying. Opening the door, his confusion grew as he found himself face to face with a shadowhunter. The man was tall, dressed all in black and insanely attractive. Had least he would have been, if not for the extreme sadness that was painfully obvious in his eyes. That and the lack of sleep marking his face. He certainly wasn’t unpleasant to look at, but Magnus was pretty sure that he didn’t know the man and had no idea why he was suddenly at his doorstep.   
“Magnus…”  
Magnus stepped back slightly at the raw emotion in the man’s voice. Not only did this man seemingly know him but he sounded like a man who had lost everything. He felt his own chest constrict as he studied the handsome shadowhunter, feeling a slight hang of sympathy for whatever he had lost. Magnus dealt with people’s sad stories all the time; men and women who came to him, heartbroken and hoping he could bring back their lost love or make their ex take them back, but this felt different. He couldn’t shake the feeling that it was somehow personal.   
“Can I help you, shadowhunter?” The surprise on the other man’s face made him uncomfortable. He had obviously been expecting some other kind of reaction and Magnus hated feeling like he was missing some vital piece of information.  
“Oh, uh. No, I’m sorry. I should have never come. This was stupid. I’m sorry… for everything. I am just going to leave.” Magnus didn’t know what he had said to upset the beautiful man but he felt himself reach out on instinct, wanting to do something to help soothe this man’s distress and wipe away the tears that threatened to overflow from his mesmerising hazel eyes.  
“Hey, it’s okay,” Magnus spoke softly, “why don’t you come in? You can start by telling me your name.” 

***

Alec’s heart stopped. He felt as if he was in freefall. The floor had disappeared from under his feet and he was waiting for the impact to come and shatter his body.   
This was the very man that he knew so well. His man. With the arms he had fallen asleep in, the voice that had whispered words of love in his ear. Magnus. The man who had made him feel special, who had called him Alexander when he had only ever been Alec. Ordinary and underappreciated Alec. Magnus had invited him in with a warm smile and an even warmer personality. He’d been the first person who had ever looked at Alec as one person and had seen the whole world.  
This man wasn’t his Magnus though; the Magnus that had loved him. His Magnus now hated him, but his Magnus had always known him. Known he was there before he had even entered their home, their kitchen, their bedroom. He was the only person who had truly known all of him.  
This man didn’t know him. Didn’t recognize him. Didn’t love him. He had known it the second their eyes had met but now, he couldn’t ignore the truth.   
He could feel the wave of agony rise within him, and he knew he only had a couple minutes before the crushing realisation would end him. He couldn’t do this in front of Magnus.  
“Sorry, there must have been a mistake. You are not the man I was looking for.”  
Before Magnus could protest or react in any way, Alec was running away from the man he loved more than anything, the man who was now watching him with eyes full of worry and concern but devoid of any recognition.   
He made it outside; the pain ripping through his body as it all became too much. His knees hit the cold gravel. He didn’t care. The feeling of his skin splitting was nothing compared to the all consuming pain running through his body and pressing down on his chest. The pressure was too much and he opened his mouth as he screamed. A deep cry, howling with loss and despair, ripping through him and into the silent night. Finally his voice gave out and the tears began to silently run down his face. Steadying himself with the wall, he climbed to his feet, his knees shook but they seemed to support his weight, so he started the walk back to the Institute. What else could he do? He had lost everything and now he just felt empty. 

***

Magnus heard the scream. He had never heard such a sound before and it terrified him; the pain and despair overpowering. Finally, the inhuman cry stopped and was replaced with silence. He looked out the window to see the man slowly walking off into the night. Pulling the curtains closed, he turned to see the discarded drink he had lovingly prepared before being interrupted by a knock on his door. Reaching for it, he realised his checks were wet with tears he hadn’t realised he had shed. 

He woke up the next morning exhausted, his night having been haunted with the sound of that scream and strange dreams. They felt so real. Him pulling open the curtains; a faceless figure in his bed, groaning at the sudden light. The other person’s displeasure at being called Pup. Leaning in to cover the mans pouting lips with his own.   
The strange flashes filled him with a warmth he hadn’t felt in a long time as well as a deep feeling of longing, of loss. But how could he feel loss over something that had never happened. He must just be lonely, and his brain was fabricating a fantasy of the love he secretly wished for. However, no matter how much he rationalised the dreams away, over the next couple of days he was haunted by those dreams and his visitor’s face after he had asked for his name. Magnus was no stranger to pain but the loss he had seen in the man’s eyes at that point, he couldn’t imagine living with such pain, the pain that had sounded in the scream that followed, the broken cry of a broken man. That or a wounded animal.  
The dreams continued, sometimes the same, sometimes something new; a white dress, golden sheets, until one night he woke up, panic rising as he struggled to pull air into his lungs, his pillow soaked in his tears and a name on the tip of his tongue.  
“Alexander.”  
He didn't know what it meant or who the man was, but he had to find out. And he had a feeling that the broken shadowhunter who had knocked on his door was the key. 

It was this train of thought that had him walking up to the New York Institute the very next morning. He wasn’t sure if his plan would work or if Alexander was even a real person, let alone a shadowhunter, but he needed to try.   
Deciding that confidence was his best bet at getting the information he wanted, without having to deal with any question he didn't have the answers for, he pushed open the heavy double doors and walked straight up to the first shadowhunter he saw. A short woman with dark hair and glasses.  
“Excuse me? Where can I find Alexander?”  
The young shadowhunter definitely looked shocked at his question, and more than a little confused, but still she seemed to recognize the name. “Umm, I think he is in the training room. Should I tell him you are looking for him?”  
Magnus was off as soon as he heard the location, he wasn’t sure quite why he knew where the training room was, but he did, so he didn’t question and instead, went down a series of corridors before arriving at a closed door; behind which, the sound of flesh hitting fabric could clearly be heard.   
Hoping the answers to his many questions would be found on the other side of this door, Magnus stepped inside, finding himself faced with the handsome stranger who had showed up at his door less than a week ago. Only this time, he was shirtless, a thin sheen of sweat coating his carved chest.   
“Alexander…?” He could hear the hesitation in his own voice, the apprehension as the shirtless shadowhunter froze, his back still turned to Magnus but every muscle in his body suddenly rigid.   
Magnus waited for the man to turn, to face him and confirm his identity. But he didn’t, so Magnus stepped closer. He could have reached out and touched the smooth skin of his back, and he felt an overwhelming urge to, but he kept his hand firmly in his pockets, instead stepping around the man’s imobile figure until he was standing in front of him. The shadowhunter’s eyes were closed but Magnus could see the difference from their last meeting. He hadn’t shaved for who knows how long, his jaw covered in a beard that desperately needed a trim, his face was unhealthily pale and the skin under his eyes purple and puffy. All in all, he looked like the shell of the man Magnus had met at his loft, but the beauty he had noticed there was still visible, even now.   
“Alexander… look at me.”  
The man opened his eyes, tears once again visible behind his long lashes.   
“Magnus.”  
The word was uttered like a prayer, but also hit with the force of a death sentence. He didn’t know this man, but he most definitely knew him. The dreams, the love he could remember feeling for the mysterious figure in his bed, and the scream of agony after he had asked for Alexander’s name.   
“I remember opening my eyes on a roof a week ago. I couldn’t remember how I had gotten there, but it felt as if I had lost something. Something important. It was you, wasn’t it?”   
“Yes.” A single word and yet it meant so much.   
“I used to call you ‘Pup’.” Magnus wasn’t sure why that was the first thing that came to his mind; surely there were thousands of better things to say, but in that instant, it was worth it as a hint of a smile appeared on Alexander’s mouth. A flash of joy as a tear ran down his face.   
“Yes, you did. Do… do you remember?”   
“No. At least not most of it. I have been having dreams, I think now that they must have been memories. Memories of us. You were… in bed. I called you Pup. You didn’t like it. There was also a wedding. That was you, right?” Tears were now falling freely down both their faces but Magnus made no move to wipe them away.   
“Yeah, it was me. It was us.” Magnus desperately wanted to reach out and hold the man before him, to hold him and never let go, but he knew that wasn’t possible. Something had happened and he needed to find out what.   
“What happened, Alexander? Why can’t I remember you?”   
“It was my fault. We were happy. So happy and in love. But Jace was in trouble and I needed him to be safe. You said you could get the power to save him and I let you, because I was desperate. I didn’t realise what it would cost you. You lost your magic, traded it to your father for me. After that, it was hard for you to adapt. Your magic meant everything to you and without it, you were broken. So I made a deal.” He cut himself off then but Magnus didn’t say anything, watching as he wiped at the tears still running down his face before continuing with his story. “I made a deal with your dad. He promised to return your magic if I broke up with you. And I did it, Magnus. I lied. I lied and said some horrible things to you. You begged me not to do it, but I turned my back on you and walked away. That was the last time I saw you until I went to your loft the other day and you didn’t know who I was.” The two were silent for a while after Alec finished talking. Magnus could picture the events in his head as Alexander hold him and he knew what he had done after Alec had left him.  
“Alexander,” Magnus put his hand over his mouth as it shook and his eyes filled with fresh tears. “I erased my memories of you. It hurt too much and I couldn’t deal with them… so I erased them…” As soon as he said the words, Magnus knew what he had to do. He held out his hand to Alec. He knew that if he could fix this, he would need the shadowhunter’s support. Without hesitation or asking Magnus what he was going to do, Alec placed his hand in Magnus’ outstretched one. A perfect match.  
Magnus could feel Alec’s strength mixing with his magic, making him stronger. Pulling all the power that normally ran through his blood, he pulled it together, harnessing and controlling it and aiming the magic, not in an outward attack but at the wall he could feel in his head. A wall of his own magic that he had made out of pain and anger to lock his memories away. It was strong, but with Alec by his side, he was far stronger, and so, the wall shattered, the sudden rush of memories overwhelming him as he started to fall. He never hit the hard ground though, as warm arms were there to catch him and hold him close as the memories continued to play behind his closed lids.   
Magnus wasn’t sure how long he was paralysed by the flow of memories, but when he finally came through it, he found that he was laying on the training room’s floor, his head cradled against Alec’s chest as he held him close, tears falling from his closed eyes.   
“Pup, please don’t cry. I’m okay. It is all going to be okay.” Alec opened his eyes then and Magnus found himself lost in their depths. He couldn’t believe that he had ever looked into those very same eyes and not recognised the beautiful man that they had belonged to.  
“Are you alright? You just collapsed and didn’t answer.” Magnus grabbed Alec’s face then, forcing him to look into his eyes and see the truth there. Alec met his eyes and his mouth opened wide at the love and recognition he saw there. “You remember. How?”   
“Because of you. Your strength gave me the power to undo my mistake. The terrible decision I made to try and stop the pain.”   
“I am so sorry, Magnus. For all the pain I caused you. So, so sorry. I won’t ask for your forgiveness because I know I don’t deserve it, but I need you to know that I never wanted to cause you any pain.”   
“Alec, stop. You don’t need to ask for my forgiveness because you already have it. You were faced with a terrible decision and if I wished that you would have made a different choice, I understand why you did what you did. You did it for me. But will you forgive me?” His voice shook. “For the pain I caused you? For erasing you from my memories?”   
“Of course I do Magnus. I love you. I love you so so much. This past week, it has been hell.”   
“I love you too Alexander more than anything.” Words didn’t feel strong enough, so turning from his position in Alec’s lap, Magnus ran his hands over the stubble on Alec’s face, through his messy hair before moving them down to his neck and pulling the shadowhunter down to meet his hungry lips. The kiss was messy and rushed, but neither of them cared. They had both been to hell and back, and they weren’t wasting another second now that they were back in each other’s arms where they belonged.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and please comment to let me know what you thought


End file.
